Lose it again.

 I finally realise, it’s been almost 3 years you made your decision to leave me and kick me out of your life after all we’ve been thru, after all i’ve done for you, after all i’ve sacrificed for you. The pain is still there and i dont think it would go away. I dont know why i still get hurt whenever those thoughts come. 

It hurts when you’ve done your very best for the person you love the most, but then he still has the guts to leave you like theres nothing valueable between us. I fought for us but still you were holding too tight on your decision to give up on us. It really hurts.. i’ve got a million reasons to leave, but i only need one reason to stay.. but still you chose to end everything.. 

you threw me so far away until i got lost, and i didnt know how to find my way back to you. 

Until now, it still hurt. The pain would never go away. You left a deep scar on me and my heart. I was so tired of crying and wondering why this bad dream happened to me.. “why me”. It hurts so bad only Allah knows.. the only way to forget you is to die. That is why sometimes i wish i would just die.. 

i dont know.. if you wanna go, just go and dont come back. Dont give me more pain bcause i really cant bear it. Your decision ruined big part of my life.. i was lost cause you were part of me which i thought would always stay and never leave me cause your love felt so real. 

Turns out… i guess it’s not. Maybe it’s just me who always dreamed of having a real love from you and happy life with you. I picked every broken piece of me, alone. Every day every night i tried to patch my heart again but then the moment i remembered every memory of us, it broke again, again, and again. It’s too painful for me.

Knowing you’re enjoying your life happily while i was suffering with all the good and bitter memories of us, hurts me more and more. I prayed to Allah to let you feel how i feel because it’s not fair.. why am i the only one who’s suffering? 

This blog holds everything.. used to hope that you would read everything but it’s too late. Parts of me wanted you to know that i’m still in pain. Parts of me wanted you to know that i’m happy. But i dont know. My heart hurts everytime i hear your name.. the trauma you leave makes me scared. Makes me scared that it might make me cry again.. 

i dont know.. if i could turn back time, i would never allow you to enter my life. If i knew it hurts so much, i would never give you my love. My love was real and honest. I thought that was enough to make you love me and stay with me forever. But then i was wrong.. i was wrong.. that day, i just need one word, one message, one call from you to heal everything. But i got nothing… waiting for you was a torture for me. 

Im scared to be with you again. I dont want to cry anymore. Holding my tears, waiting for you everynight, hoping for your calls, begging for your time and attention. Those were the things that scared me the most. You threw me away and i dont know how to find my way back to you.. 

Now i can see you have found your true love.. who can make you happy and all the things i’ve failed to do for you.. 

i found mine too.. i found mine too.. 

meeting you was a regretful thing in my life.. Bcause it ruins a part of me and leave a very deep scar on my heart… so deep. So deep. It still hurt me. But i always ask Allah to give me the strength to go on with my life… Allah is the best planner and to Allah only i seek help.. 

dont come back. Just go and dissapear. Cause if you did, my scars might bleed again 🥺 let me rest cause im tired of crying. Please.. i’ve been hurt enough.. please go and dont come back..